I weighed in this morning at 204.3 lbs which is a 3.3 lb gain for the week. This brings my total weight loss so far back down to 51.7 pounds.
I’m struggling. There, I said it. I don’t know why that’s so difficult for me to admit. I suppose nobody really likes to admit failure. I know, I know….struggling ≠ failure. I know that, but still. When you’re struggling like I have been, it sure feels like failure and that’s a hard thing for someone like me to accept.
Last night I dreamed that ran into an old friend of mine whom I haven’t seen in a year and half – long before I ever started losing weight. I was expecting her to remark on how different I looked from the last time she’d seen me, but she didn’t say a word. Hmm. So, I decided to bring it up and told her that I had lost 50+ pounds. Her reaction? “Wow, I can’t even tell!” She couldn’t notice a change in me at all. Now, obviously, she wouldn’t have said that to me in real life…thankfully it was just a dream, but OMG what a dream! I woke up in a sweat all freaked out and in tears. For me it was a total wake up call. A much needed one. I just seemed to have lost my focus on my weight loss efforts for the past few weeks. It started out when my leg wasn’t getting any better and I decided to take a break from running. That REALLY messed with my head. BIG TIME. Here I am 3 weeks later and until today I hadn’t done ANY exercise. AT ALL. My eating has been…horrendous. I could sit here all day and pour on the excuses of how busy I’ve been (I have been extremely busy) or how stressed I’ve been (at an all time high!) but isn’t that kinda the point of this whole thing? To learn how to cope with what life throws at us in other ways besides turning to food and being lazy? Sure this experience is about retraining my body to run and be more active, but it’s also about retraining my MIND and learning how to better cope in times of stress. I obviously haven’t mastered that skill yet, but I’m learning.
I have also been riddled with guilt for not being there for you guys. Tara’s going to kill me for apologizing again, but I can’t help it. I have become friends with many of you and it’s just not cool for me to NOT be there for you guys just because *I’m* not doing well. Friendship isn’t about being a friend only when it’s convenient, so yes, I’m sorry for not being around. As I write this, I have 957 unread posts in my Google reader so there’s no way I can go back and read all that I missed. 
I apologize if I’ve missed your big accomplishment or PR or milestone reached…or maybe I missed that YOU’VE been struggling. Please share it with me in the comments, because I want to know what’s going on in your lives! I’m so thankful for you all and really appreciate those of you who’ve reached out to me. Seriously, I ♥ you. More than you can know.
There really is a lot more to catch you all up on…the last few weeks have been a whirlwind with our family reunion, end of the school year awards and performances, field trips, graduation, welcome home parties, etc. etc. May was just one hell of a busy month. It’s a good thing I ran two 5K’s in April, because it made up for the fact that I didn’t run any last month. So I’m still on track to reach my 12 for the year 
I really want to share some of this past month with you all, so I’ll do so in separate posts over the next week or so. Especially the reunion. It was SO awesome to be reunited with family members I hadn’t seen in years and some I’d never met!
I suppose I’ve rambled enough for the night. In summary, I’ve been struggling. Then I woke up this morning after a nightmare with a renewed commitment to my weight loss and fitness efforts. I even ran a mile today. It was more like a slow jog, but I got out there and did it. My leg held up well and so far, it’s not hurting which is a good thing. A very good thing! Josie is BACK! and I’m SO grateful that I didn’t let 8 months of hard work slip away from me. ♥
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
Yay Josie! Glad to see you back. I am thrilled that you ran a mile today! What else do you have planned for the week?
.-= Kimberley´s last blogblog…My Week Update # 12 and Week #23 Goals =-.
Thanks Kimberley
I’m gonna run another mile tonight. I just made a new post about my next race, but I’ve decided to do my next 5k this Saturday which is in two days.
I honestly believe that struggling is part of the journey, and how we overcome the struggles is what makes us stronger people. I’ve struggled in the past to keep pressing forward with my weight loss journey, but I’ve never given up. And neither will you.
I think it feels like failure because weight loss blogging is a very niche thing. Most people that are weight loss bloggers (consistent at least) always post accomplishments. So it’s a lot of pressure. But everyone’s journey is different. And think about all the people who AREN’T blogging and AREN’T trying to get a handle on their lives.
I’m glad you’re still posting and still weighing in. Stay accountable. To yourself. And I am beyond proud of you for going out there and running a mile. That’s a tough one, especially if you haven’t been feeling a run lately. Keep it up
.-= Jess´s last blogblog…I Went, I Ran, I Conquered =-.
Thanks Jess! What you say here makes so much sense…I am glad you never gave up and I’m glad I decided not to….It scares me to think about how close I was to just throwing in the towel. Seriously. Scary.
Thank you, Josie. Seriously, thank you. I’ve hit a wall of my own lately. While I don’t like to hear that you are struggling, it helps to know that we all go through it.
I’m going to message you on FB but just wanted to say thank you … hang in there.
Welcome back, Josie! I can so identify with where you’re at; I think we all can. As Jess says, struggling – AND LEARNING HOW TO GET THROUGH THAT – really is a part of the journey. Glad to know you are coming out on the other end of it!
.-= SeattleRunnerGirl´s last blogblog…Announcement =-.
Thank you! The thing above says your last post was “announcement”… I look forward to reading your blog to see what you’ve been up to!
Three words… I LOVE YOU. I can totally connect with where you are at. I’ve been on a roller coaster myself lately. We can commiserate together! I’m up, down, up, down, up, down… I skipped my weigh ins because I wanted to get myself back to a level where I felt OK about posting. It’s so hard some time. So… how can I help? What can I do as your friend.
I’m here. I’ll always be here for you!
I <3 you Lynne and thank you again for everything. You are an awesome friend.
Josie, do I ever know what you are going through. I hit the wall last Sunday, and proceeded to post a few heart-to-heart posts that get at the same thing you are getting at here. I can’t explain why we lose focus, but it happens. Now it is time for you and I to get back on track and move on to the next stage.
Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling too Steve. You’re right though…it’s time. I’ll check out your latest blogs in a few…
Welcome back…as you put it… But it is what happens..Living life means ups and downs, good days and bad, you are right about learning to retrain ourselves in new and different and HEALTHY way to deal with stress and emotions! Keep up the good work…
.-= Jules – Big Girl Bombshell´s last blogblog…Sunday Slice of Life – Relationships =-.
Thanks Jules!
Welcome back! I have missed you! You are so not a failure. Today is a new day. Reach out if you need help. I am here as I know many other folks who are too. At the end of the Summer you are going to look back on this as the little blip that it is…:-) Don’t forget how far you have come. You SO can see a difference. xoxo
Aw, thanks Kat. I have missed you too and can’t wait to catch up on all you’ve been up to.
Well there you are and Here we are. I’m glad you’re back. You’ll be right back to it again. You’ve set some routines that will fall right back into place. An injury and a milestone are hard to progress through but always know that we’re here cheering you on.
.-= Shelli Belly´s last blogblog…Day 271 – Spring Challenge =-.
Thanks Shelli. I hope you’re right about those routines falling back into place. Thanks for the encouragement!!
So happy that you are back. You’ve been missed.
And, even if it wasn’t intentional, I think that there is some wisdom in giving our bodies a break from losing weight. Let’s face it, you can get down below 200 again within a week or two. You haven’t undone all of your amazing progress. You haven’t even delayed it.
I suspect you are right where you need to be!
I love your perspective that I haven’t even delayed my progress and that I’m probably right where I need to be. Everything for a reason, huh? Thanks Amanda!
Love the renewal. Good to hear from you.
.-= Joe´s last blogblog…Foods For Runners And Fitness Folks =-.
Thanks Joe … I hope you’re doing well!
I am glad to see you back, I have fallen off the blogging, I just can’t get motivated to write. But I have lurked here and there on other blogs taking a peak. I have been chugging along though and ran another 5k last weekend
Congrats on another 5k Marissa! Please don’t fall into the trap that I did…I seriously almost gave up. It scares me now to think about how close I was…how ready I was to just say “screw it” and give up on it all. Stay strong and stick around. I have missed you
More lessons learned on the life long journey! Consistency is HUGE in weight loss so try to get back to it Josie & at least do something 3 days a week if not more and eating as we all know is a huge part of the weight loss journey. I have a few older posts about mental muscle, I’m OK With IT & a few more… if ya get a chance to go backwards to read.
You just keep looking ahead & don’t let things move you backwards… health is forwards! You can do this!!! And, a saying: The only one who can tell you you can’t is you. And you don’t have to listen!!!! NIKE
.-= Jody – Fit at 52´s last blogblog…Can You Define Yourself? =-.
I will check out those posts Jody…you always post such helpful stuff!!! Thanks for being there and helping to keep me accountable.. I <3 u!
Josie, I’m glad to see a post from you. I’ve been struggling off and on. Mostly mental garbage. It’s amazing to me how I can purge a bunch of garbage, and then another load of it surfaces. How did I keep this much CRAP bottled up inside for soooo long??? Will I ever truly deal with all of it? Probably not, but I CAN work through most of it. As for my weight loss, I’m still plateau’d. It’s still a 3 pound yoyo back and forth. My body hates me. I’m really trying to focus on what I can do physically as opposed to what the scale says, but its hard. My Trainer forbade me from weighing in at home…SO HARD!
We can do this, Josie. WE WILL DO THIS! We got it. We have each other. Reach out to us instead of crawling back in your shell. I know I know, I’m one to talk. But I’m TRYING!! That’s all we can ask of you. Let’s do it together. We can try together.
<3 you!
It’s a deal, Erin. Let’s DO this.
Thanks – I hope you know I love ya too!!!!
Nobody expects your weight loss to always go down in a straight line. Two steps forward, one step back… I am so happy for you that you are back on track and taking care of your health. You are amazing. A year from now, you won’t even remember these past two weeks!
Gosh, I hope you’re right Carla because I’d sure like to forget them! heh. Thanks so much for the encouragement and I hope you’re doing well!
Okay, Josie, I hope no one gets their feelings hurt, but you really are one of my favorite internet friends-and if you’re even in Seattle or I’m ever in Florida, we’ll have to meet up!
That being said, I have really missed you. I’m SO GLAD you’re back. And yes, you totally are. You ran a mile today. Kick butt, girl!
I was also struggling–this whole healthy living thing can be such a drag sometimes, huh?? But you’re perservering. And I totally think that the mental part of the journey is so much more difficult than the physical part–and I still need SO MUCH work on that.
Please keep posting–regardless of the success or stumble–I miss your voice. And yeah, if your friend (in real life) wouldn’t be able to notice your dramatic changes, I’d totally beat her up!
God bless, Josie.
.-= beej´s last blogblog…Week 61 =-.
Now you’ve gone and made me cry. I <3 you bj! I have missed you too…I am sorry to hear you were struggling too. I will keep posting. I promise. xoxo
Hope you’re still doing well! Looking forward to the next update.
Thanks Amy – I hope you’ve been doing well…looking forward to catching up!
Josie-Wow, this post sounds like something I could have written last November. Instead of facing it head-on like you are, I just kept up putting my head in the sand. Unfortunately, now 74 gained, I wish I had not ignored it for so long. Way to start getting things back on track. You rock, my friend and I know you can do whatever you set your mind to!
Teresa
<3 I hear you Teresa...I really hear you. I'm gonna message you on FB because I'm not sure you'll see this, but if you do, please know that you are loved and I think you are one hell of an amazing woman!
AWWW. Thanks, Josie! I needed that today!
Yeay, you’re back! Missed you, girlfriend!!!
Oh, heck yeah. It is a struggle to stay vigilant and not let the good habits slip away. But you’re not alone! I don’t like admitting I’m struggling, either, or seeing the same 3 pounds come and go each month for nearly a year now. But since I’d rather see that than see it all come back and then some, gotta keep at it. I’m finding the end of the school year (last 2 weeks) to be the toughest, because we’re dealing with a lot of other stuff on top of it.
I’m glad to hear that your leg is pain free now, and that you’re able to run again! Take it easy and get lots of stretching in there. (i.e., do as I say, not as I do!
) I’m looking forward to getting back to running, now that school is almost out and my mornings will have a little more flexibility around when and where I work out.
.-= Pubsgal´s last blogblog…In Memory of Bela, a Good Dog =-.
Thanks sis! Yes, I definitely need to make sure I stretch adequately. I am SO spooked now that I want to be sure I do everything right so that I don’t end up with a worse injury. I am glad you’ve hung in there for so long even through the struggles. Thanks for the encouragement and I hope you’ve been doing well the past few weeks!
Let me first just promise to NEVER KILL YOU for apologizing. I would miss you too much and I just don’t think I’d make it in prison. That being said, I know what you mean about feeling like you need to apologize. I feel it too when I haven’t checked a blog for a while or missed out on something big in someone’s life. It happens. The great thing is you can just pick up where you left off and for the most part it’s like you never left.
Don’t let the gain deter you. Let it guide you back to where you want to be. Where you visualize yourself going. Dig Deep Josie cause your life needs you.
.-= Tara´s last blogblog…When I thought I was in control, I learned I wasn’t =-.
Whew. Thanks for letting me live
My new favorite quote? “Dig deep Josie because your life needs you”….I LOVE THAT!!!! Thank you so much, Tara.
<3
.-= Tara´s last blogblog…Random bullets =-.
Everyone struggles, and it sucks, but all we can do is try our best to get back on track. For the most part, the month of May really sucked for me, but I’m “slowly” getting back to where I need to be, and I know you will too
We got this!!
Yes, we do Steve!
I already had the idea something was going on as you weren’t blogging.
It happens to all of us. You’ve had 3 weeks of no exercise and bad eating, you’ve had a wake up call so ……… no more excuses now, go for it.
Empty your Google reader and start fresh, do your exercise and read our blogs for inspiration and motivation as you are one for us.
Good luck, you can do it, you’ve proven that already.
Thanks Fran. You are so right. I am thankful for the wake up call and look forward to reading your VERY inspiring blog!
Okay, Josie, what’s up? Updates? It’s been 3 days.
I’m waiting for the reunion post–what were people’s reactions?
Missing hearing from you on a regular basis. When’s your next 5k?
.-= beej´s last blogblog…Week 61 =-.
You are too funny! Thanks for keeping me on my toes. New blog has been posted with the answer to your question! I <3 you beej!!!!
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