I absolutely love the premise of the Exposed movement: Get in your skivvies, snap a photo, write a few words, and then hit “Publish”. I started putting my “Exposed” post together almost 2 weeks ago and am just now able to hit “Publish.” Yes, it took me that long to finish this post, but since today is “National Love Your Body” day, it seems only fitting to go ahead and make today the day I finally post it.
Maybe it was because I couldn’t get Tara’s post out of my mind for days after reading it, but she made me realize that I couldn’t just expose my physical body. I had some emotional weight that needed to be exposed (and shed) once and for all as well.
A picture would have only been part of my story…here is the rest:
___________________________________________________________
I was 13 when I wrote that in my diary.
I’m sure my stepdad was the culprit. He was notorious for making snide remarks and putting me down.
I remember when I told him that I wanted to be a pilot when I grew up. His response wasn’t “you can do anything you put your mind to.” It wasn’t “I believe in you.” Instead it was laughter, followed by “You won’t get very far when you stop at every McDonald’s you see, that is, IF you can even get the plane off the ground.”
If I could only count the number of times I’ve said/written THAT over the years. I was 13 when this was penned in my diary. Too bad I waited 22 years before finally following through and making it more than just a “p.s.” collecting dust in an old diary.
Of course, I did make a lot of attempts along the way:
That was always the goal, wasn’t it? To be skinny in time for school to start. So, a day in my diet included 2 pepsis, 3 biscuits, tea, corned beef hash, rice goulash, and a piece of cake. THAT certainly wasn’t going to get me “skinny” in time for school to start.
Oh there is so much I could say about this particular diary, but I’ll just say that looking back, I don’t blame my mom for not believing me. I’m pretty sure I DID eat those chicken crackers.
“Method of progressing more every day?” Ahh…I was onto something there. I obviously didn’t stick to it, but at least I was on the right track. Still needed work with my nutrition though. (eating “whatever” for dinner was probably not the best idea!)
Is it any wonder that I grew into a woman with food and fitness issues? Really. It’s as if I spent my entire middle and high school years going through the same cycle of “I’m fat”, “I need to go on a diet”, “I’m on a diet”, I’m off my diet,” “I’m fat.” Rinse and repeat. Not healthy.
Another common theme throughout my diaries? Self-image.
I cringe when I read these and pray to GOD that my daughters do not have that kind of body image issues. In my head I was the fattest, ugliest girl in school. It’s what I saw when I looked in the mirror. However, when I look back at old photos I see just how distorted my self image was.
Big hair aside, ( 
) did I look like the fat, ugly monster I portrayed myself to be? Why in the world did I see myself in such a negative light?
It was difficult for me to go back and read some things that I wrote in my journals years ago, and even harder for me to share them with you. I needed to though because they tell such an important piece of my story. I didn’t just wake up one morning when I was 35 and realize I was fat. As you can tell, it’s something that I’ve struggled with for most of my life.
This process – of me reading through old diaries and sharing them with you – has been very cathartic for me.
In reading through my old journals I learned a lot about myself, my friends, and my family that I had either forgotten or had just never realized before. I can now read them from the perspective of a 36 year old woman, instead from that of a pubescent teenager.
I’ve shared a lot with you over the last year of this journey, but now you know where I came from and just how deeply embedded these issues are for me. I needed to do this so that I can finally move on and say goodbye to that insecure 14 year old forever.
I am more than just a number on a scale.
I am more than just a before/after photo.
I am a determined woman who, after years of “dieting”,
is finally learning how to eat properly.
I am a strong woman who is becoming
the athlete I was always meant to be.
I am a passionate woman who finally sees the same
person in the mirror that everyone else sees.
Most of all, I am a BEAUTIFUL woman who can finally say
“I am comfortable in my own skin.”
Would you believe me if I said that posting that picture was actually the easiest part of this entire post? Because it was. By far.
Who would’ve thought?
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Fantastic! I often go back and read old journals…I have boxes full.. It does put things into perspective for me.
AND so, so, so much like me…
THANK YOU!
Jules – Big Girl Bombshell recently posted..Wednesday Bombshell Wisdom
Beautiful, moving and brave. That describes you and the post equally! You are such a champion Josie! And a leader, too, for the rest of us. I was so touched by this post….left me teary-eyed.
call me Ishmael recently posted..Photo-palooza!
I honestly do not know what to say to this post Josie. So raw. So full of emotion and so EFFIN AWESOME.
My heart just wrapped its arms around you and refuses to ever let go.
Tara recently posted..Fear of Making Goal Weight…
*tears* wow.
great post!
This was an EXCELLENT post!! This brought to the front so many of my teen memories. I applaud you.
Vinny recently posted..The New Beast At The Gym
I am in awe. You have come through so much, and to be free enough to post a pic of yourself as a woman who appreciates what she’s got is fabulous!
Merry recently posted..If this is Hump day- does that mean Im supposed to never mind
First, I am so happy for you doing the EXPOSED post! You are a lovely and remarkable lady, and this is amazing. Personally, I am still working on building up the courage – my goal is to do one by the end of the year!
Second, I am quite jealous of you having all your old journals! I grew up with two sisters who always read mine (in fairness, I read theirs, too), so I would last about three days before tearing out pages and abandoning it. I wish I had the opportunity to look back at my little kid handwriting expressing my thoughts and feelings!
Mary recently posted..Part of Your World
Great post, that takes a lot of courage to share so much with strangers. You keep on rockin
Amazing, brave post. I was not brave enough to keep any of my journals from growing up, but I can imagine they read just like that.
You should be extremely proud of your post. It is excellent! Congrats on your 9 races. An amazing feat.
Suzanne recently posted..Even my Mii has a Big Bottom
I am in total awe of you.
As I read your journal entries as a child and young woman I re-experienced my own entries. If I can offer you one thing it would mean a lot to me and that is for you to know that you were NEVER alone as you described in your journal – because this is what this post made ME realize – that I was never as alone as I felt.
So many of us were sitting at home writing out our pain in our own entries. If only we had been able to connect and support each other at the time. But now we can – and we do – through our journals and social networking we know we are not alone. I only hope that the children and young adults out there are able to reach out to each other for the strength, support, understanding, and compassion they so deserve.
made me freakin’ cry!
wow, what a moving post. i’ve been feeling the pull to go back and look at old pictures and read my journals from when i was younger, and your post has convinced me that this is something i need to do. tara’s post about emotional weight has been in my mind a lot lately as well. you’re an amazing, strong, courageous and beautiful woman! and seeing all you’ve come through to say you’re comfortable in your own skin is a testament to this life changing journey so many of us are on. thanks for sharing.
jayme recently posted..Weigh-in no 10 -16
Josie…WOW…..you are such a great person Josie…….I am so glad you can look back at those days and say F@#K you look at me now!!!!! Josie you are such a inspiration to so many. I am honored to have you on our team for Caleb’s Crusade. You have shown so much determination and are such a caring person. Just want you to know your a great person and your girls are very lucky to have such a wonderful mother for them to look up to!!!
Mom! I am so proud of you and everything you stand for!
You are an amazing mother and we have our ups & downs but thats what a family is! You have made such great progress and I am very proud to call you my mother! I hope you continue this to your dream weight, even though you are beautiful just the way you are! I love you! ♥
Marisa. ♥ recently posted..My LifeIs Back to Normal
Wow Josie, how far you have come! My heart aches for the feelings you have had most of your life. I am glad to see you are moving past it now though.
You rock Josie! Beautiful post. You are courageous and beautiful and you inspire me. xoxo
Kat recently posted..Big Island and Half Marathon Update
Josie , you are an amazing woman ! Know that you are LOVED and Admired by many ! Your daughters must be so proud to call you mom ! We can see your happiness in your smile
I had very simular diary recordings. I found out as an adult, my friends and family did not see me the way I did. Well one particular person did and that was all it took to make me see myself as fat and ugly.
Josie, I and a lot of people we both knew seen you as beautiful and not fat. I really hope that one of the things you teach your girls now is self confidence. I tell my girls ” Confidence is sexy” and explain that everyone is different and all that matters is that they are happy with theirself, regardless of how any one else sees them.
I wanted to cry reading this, mainly because I saw so much of myself in it. I’ve never been one to keep a diary, but I could have written all of those same things! I started dieting when I was 12 and “this time was (always) going to be the last!”
You have turned yourself around and are so inspirational
Gives me hope!
Scale Warfare recently posted..Check-In Wednesday
I just want to take that girl in my arms and hold her close. Tell her it’s not what she thinks at all! But, I see that underneath all that, a courageous girl was waiting to come out of her cocoon and be the remarkable, beautiful woman she was meant to be.
Thank you so much for baring yourself this way.
Helen recently posted..Truth and Consequences
Girl, your post moved me to tears. I love you so much!!!! I look back at that time and remember a lot of what you went through. And I don’t think I even knew the half of it then! To see where you’ve come from gives me courage and inspires me. Seeing your strength reminds me of how strong the human spirit is. You help me stay strong. I am a better person because of my friendship with you. Thank you.
You’re a survivor – ONE HELL OF A SURVIVOR!!! I am so honored to be your friend. I love you so much!!!!
Lynne Garcia recently posted..Tiny Miracles
What a great and moving post. Thanks so much for sharing this part of yourself.
You are my HERO!!!! Bravo to you!!! You have come a LONG way from that young lady, and getting better everyday!!!! God Bless you on your journey!!!! WAY TO GO!!!!
After reading this post from my dear and absolutely beautiful friend Josie…tears are streaming from my eyes. How could a woman whom I know to be gorgeous, beautiful, funny, adorable, sweet, loving, real, honest and I could go on, feel those things about herself at one point in her life?
Josie, you tell a truth about yourself. You share you soul and shed your skin with friends, family and complete strangers. I honor you! I absolutely honor you. I am your BIGGEST fan.
Trish recently posted..Potent Potions for Halloween
I’m with tears and without words here. (I know, huh?) I thought you were strong and brave and beautiful *before* reading this. But all the pain and crap you had to deal with….dang. I don’t think I would have had the strength to deal with it at all, let alone keep such a positive spirit, like you have. (((hug))) You are AWESOME!!!
Pubsgal recently posted..A Tale of Two Pieces
OMG. I’m nearly speechless…
HELL YES, Josie. HELL YES.
Erin recently posted..Winner! Winner!
You were and are beautiful.
clickmom recently posted..twitchy
I have read over 110 Exposed posts and this goes in my top memorable ones. They’re all amazing..but the time you’ve put to reflect upon your life is incredible. I believe that for many of us it started around that precious age, when the awareness comes that we are somehow different. I think for me it was when I got called IHOP in elementary school..fourth grade. Thank you so much for joining the exposed movement…but even more for opening up a huge part of your life like that.
I teared up when reading this Josie. I totally know exactly what you went through and I’m so proud of you for getting past that and becoming the beautiful woman you are now. You are so amazing!
Wait…did you somehow see MY diary when I was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16? I wrote the very same things!!
How wonderful that you are seeing your worth now…just remember, you have EVERYTHING you need, right inside yourself…you GO girl!
KCLAnderson (Karen) recently posted..Before & After- Exposed
I think the one who said “beautiful, moving, and brave” said it all in those three words. I’m very proud of you Josie and your journey, your life journey, not just this year. When I got to know you way back when I thought you were a cool and funny girl and was said you weren’t around the next year. But I’m so glad to have found you again. You are an inspiration. I am a “dieter” too, a lifer dieter, who has always felt like I’m fat, I’m the “big one” in the group.
I haven’t been as successful on my current diet endeavors, but I hope to get better. I keep trying (and giving up) and cheating, and trying…..
Josie this is one of the most emotional exposed posts I have read so far. It brought tears to my eyes reading those journals and your feelings about being over weight as a teenager. I am amazed at how far you have come and impressed at how far you can run!
Your children are so lucky to have a beautiful strong mom like you!
Hey I just stumbled across your blog and I think you are awesome!
Have you seen this site– http://operationbeautiful.com/
It is amazing. As I am working to lose 79 lbs, this website is a great reminder that, even though I’m not there yet, I’m beautiful and worthy of everything great that is in my life.
Angela recently posted..Goal Complete- Recap of RnR Denver Half Marathon
It’s amazing, Josie, how you’ve come so far. And how it was really on your heart to change your life. You know what? You have. And you’ve changed so many others!
beej recently posted..I Did It!
Josie, you are an incredible woman with a spirit that just jumps right off this internet page and grabs me. Thank you for doing this hard stuff and for sharing it with us. Its an incredible inspiration to me, and so extra powerful on a day like today for me. So THANK YOU! You’re gorgeous and amazing, and I’m so grateful you share your experiences!
Meegan (redstar5) recently posted..Unwarrior-like Behavior
Josie,
What a WONDERFUL post!!! What an amazing woman you are.
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
mm Josie, I recall you commenting on my blog about being afraid to share the emotional part of this journey on your blog. It has been a while since I have had time to wander around and read blogs because I am a crazy fool doing 2 a days these days….but it appears you got that piece down. THis is a most beautiful and obviously healing post. I love how you have shared the most intimate thoughts from your journal and the brilliant and beautiful smile on your face as you stared into that camera lense.
You are beautiful…Keep going my friend.
Kim recently posted..Brotherly Love
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